I Hate Christmas

 

I’m about to espouse a view so controversial, so unpopular, that I hesitate to even go on for fear of pitchforks and torch fires. I hate Christmas.

There, I’ve said it.

I know, I know, it has its flaws, it’s over-commercialized, there’s an increase in waste that’s bad for the environment; fuck all that, I HATE Christmas.

Now you’re getting the idea.

Look, I was raised Catholic, so I am well versed in the Christian view of the “Reason for the Season”, and I get that an increased emphasis on the material has diluted the religious nature of the holiday. While I do mourn the loss of this spiritual aspect of the celebration, I’m not overly religious, so, while unfortunate, this is not a major issue for me. I am a believer in climate change and do recognize the stress that periods of increased consumerism puts on the environment, so, yeah, that’s a point against Christmas, but it still doesn’t get to the visceral loathing I have for this holiday.

Since lists seem to be the shit on the interwebs, I will literally count the frickin’ ways that I despise this holiday.

The Music – Oh, good God, the music! I believe that most Christmas music should be considered a war crime. I’m sure it is used by unscrupulous interrogators when waterboarding fails. It’s sappy, capitalizing on myths of a perfect home and loving family. Some of it is a bit rapey. But, the worst part of Christmas music is that it’s been meticulously crafted by the pop music gods to become weaponized earworms. If a virulent insinuation into generations of popular culture can be considered a form of immortality, then Burl Ives has attained a sort of godhood. His velvet smooth baritone instantly triggers unwanted olfactory illusions of Christmas trees and peppermint. My brain will be fucking playing these song, again and again, well into June and they make me want to puncture my eardrums with an ice pick.

The Colors – If you know my art, then you know that I am not one to shy away from color. I would completely own the title garish. But Christmas, with its red and green, its silver and gold? Holy fuck, this entire season is as soothing to the eyes as being peppermint pepper sprayed by angry elves. I mean, I have to give props to the fact that the colors harken back to the holiday’s pagan origins, but then the Christians had to make it way too metal. According to holyfamily.org, the points of the holly leaf represents the thorns of Jesus’ crown and the red berries represent the blood that Jesus shed on the cross. Totally badass, but does it have to be everywhere? Must we suffer, as well?

Presents – Hear me out here, because I recognise that presents are the biggest selling point for this holiday.Full disclosure: I’m not so much into material things. So take what I say with that in mind. I’ve never felt entirely financially comfortable, so the added expense that comes with gift giving is a bit stressful. A birthday coming around is one thing, but every freaking person I know? And there is the second stressor. Who do I give a gift to? Do I give a present to my boss? My mailman? How much do I spend on my wife vs. my bartender? Then there’s the what to get. Do they already have it? Will they ever use it?

Elf on a shelf – Okay, this is a newer one. No childhood trauma involved. I’ve actually just recently heard about this. WFT? I’ve already got enough paranoia. I’ve already believe in the surveillance state. Now, a children’s story
is telling 10 year olds (I have no idea what age group would be reading this book) is purporting that an inanimate doll is watching, judging their every move? How fucked up is that?

Santacon – Again, not a childhood generated manifestation. Let it be known that I am a drinker. I drink beer. I like beer. I still like beer. No, seriously, I enjoy drinking. That being said, what I’ve seen of Santacon is a walking disaster. I’ve already said that I am a drinker. I have no issue about someone drinking to excess. And, as we are only human, some of us will be total assholes when we are in our cups. Santacon takes this to the next level. As a drinker, New Year’s Eve is a celebration that I avoid, preferring to eschew the company of amateurs. Santacon, on the other hand, is an event I avoid, because they drink competitively and I’m just a hobbyist.

I’m not big on holidays overall. Other than International Nachos Day, I have no personal connection with any holidays. In fact, it doesn’t take much for me to celebrate. Arbor Day. Joe Hill Day. If we get to eat, drink and be merry, then I’m all for it. But Christmas is a holiday societal pressure and existential depression for me. That being said, Merry Christmas everyone. And Happy Holidays! Have fun!

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